Life just keeps going.

October 30th and it feels like just yesterday that I was getting ready to start the new school year. It's been busy. Hectic and busy and tiring. I had to drop my clinical this term, which puts me behind in my nursing program. I won't finish now until march 2012. This is disappointing, only because now school will take longer, but it will be a lighter course load, and that will make a big difference.

I've been feeling kinda lost lately.

It's hard to describe exactly what I mean. I struggle. I go up and down emotionally and I struggle. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, other times I think I'm probably putting on a show but I can't stop things. I wish I could change things about myself. The way I act and react to things, people and situations. Even maybe learn to hold my tongue sometimes. But I don't.

I"m lost even as I write this. My brain can't seem to find a flow of something that I want to say. Maybe I need sleep, maybe another beer? No, sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately anyways. I have had so much school stress and other life things that I don't know which was is up sometimes.

I know that life for me right now is boring. Uneventful and boring. I look forward to the day that I earn money instead of borrow, that I can travel instead of watch travel on tv. When I can see and experience in real life, and not just within the pages of a book. I want more, from myself, and from my life. But I don't know what that more is that I want. I do know it's like I have a hole and I can't seem to fill it back up.

I have no photos.

Funny, I went to summer camp for 2 weeks and for 1 of those weeks had a camera attached to me at all times, yet I come home with nothing! I had fun, it was busy but also refreshing. I made some new friends and connected with some old friends.

Now it's the end of August and tomorrow we're moving. I am excited about that. On friday we got our new furniture, 2 chairs that are very comfortable and there has been no bug sightings for 4 weeks now, so hopefully we're in the clear. We do have a new mattress coming to the new apartment on September 1st, so we still plan to be cautious and keep an eye out for bugs, just in case! And today we are doing some pre-packing cleaning and organizing. Re-drying boxes of clothes because when we brought them back we didn't realize there was still some bugs around, so for safety to make sure they didn't take up a new residence in our clothing, everything is getting the hot dry cycle for about 30 minutes.

We have banking to do, school loans to organize, books to buy and stuff to clean. Today and tomorrow will be busy, but it will all be worth it I'm sure.

And in just over a week, school starts again. I wouldn't mind having just one more week off, but alas I must go back to the grind and finish what I started. I went to church yesterday and the pastor talked about doing your work in whatever you do as though you Lord is your boss and it made me think about the effort that I put into school. Yes, I could just do what I have to do pass and get decent marks, or I could look at school as though I am doing this all for Jesus and put my effort into school as though my boss is my Lord, and good things could happen. I'm sure they will.

Hopefully this new thought will stick with me!

Anyways, laundry to do, places to go, people to see. It's all very busy over here!

Now to update on what's happened this summer!

Today is raining. It seems appropriate for my mood, a little blue, but only because I have to write an exam tomorrow for a computer usage course of which I have not studied enough for. I only need to get about a 50% to pass the course, but it would have been nice to only need 25% on the exam. Such is life!

I have done a lot this year, not only did I do school I also continued to dance and added Jazz to the ballet from the previous year. We had our recital in June and that was a great time.

This was my ballet recital costume.


I also ran a few races.  A memorable one was the Eco Adventure at Fort Whyte that I did with my brother and a couple friends.

This consisted of approximately 40 km of canoeing, running, biking, running, biking, orienteering and more biking. I believe we finish 2nd last, which I believe is better than last and  definitely better than did not finish!


I had adventures with my sister Sandi and her son Connor. He is so cute and as he gets older he is so much fun and provides me with tons of happiness.

 

Recently I took a day trip up to Camp and to Gimli for the Icelandic Festival. We saw sandcastles and went to the carnival too. It was a fun day.

 

Well that almost brings me up to the current date. I have a break which is going by fast. I am sad for summer ballet to be ending soon. I have really enjoyed dancing and look forward to classes in the fall. I am also getting excited to head out to camp. Summer camp will always have a special place in my heart so it is nice to get the opportunity to go out there for a few weeks and get some spiritual refreshing too. 

Summer Time.

And the living is definitely easy, at least right now. I just read over my last blog post and am pleased to report that I am doing about 99% better! I can't believe I got through all that happened.

Life continued and I worked on focusing on getting better. I did a lot of running, continued to see the naturopath and counsellor, danced a lot and tried to think positively. Through all this I was able to loose a little weight and gain a lot of perspective.

I also discovered that somewhere through all this sadness my husband and I picked up a bed bug that multiplied. Boo!! We had to clean all that up and got rid of our bed and couches. We not currently are still on an air mattress and are moving to a different unit in our apartment. I just don't want to stay here just in case, and besides that the new place has a nice large balcony and is facing the river on the 7th floor!

Now I've finished the 3rd term of nursing school and I can say now that I am half way done. I survived and passed all of my courses and right now am making up the science credit that I dropped in 2nd term. I am off for 6 weeks total and am on week 2 of my break already. It's going by fast! I"m keeping busy with summer ballet 4 nights a week that ends this week and I just got a month pass at hot yoga. I also will be going to camp next week and the week after to volunteer out there. So much to do on my holiday, how does anyone ever fit a job into their life!

A long time again.

Hmm....it's been awhile. I am always as usual bad at keeping up with blogging. I guess I can blame the lack of posts on school, that would seem like the logical explanation and it may have some weight to bear, but I think life just kinda comes and goes, it ebbs and flows. I have finished my first term of nursing school and am now half way through term 2. Well, what do I think? How is it going perhaps is what you're wondering. Those are loaded questions with loaded answers so if you have the time, this may be long.

I did well in the first term, I studied a lot, not too much but I kept busy at school with classes labs, work and exams. I generally have gotten A's in my classes so I guess you can say that school was going really well. Wait, I said was.....yes, yes I did. Was because after christmas holidays (we went to calgrary, that was fun!) school started up again. I dont' know what happened, a lot of things I guess, but something in me almost just switched off. Like a button was switched and I started struggling. Not with the school work, homework type things, more with just being at school. I started skipping classes, lots of them and loosing interest in a lot of things. I stopped running and working out and I stopped doing a lot of house work and cleaning type things. The only thing I could get myself to do was read. And read was all I pretty much did. Unfortunately the reading was not school books, it was just novels. I gradually sunk deeper and deeper into a dark pit, one that gradually got darker and deeper as january went by I was barely going to school, maybe one or two days a week and even then not the whole day. I was supposed to be going to 6 classes and 3 labs and 1 day in the hospital a week. That is a lot. I found it overwhelming and I was unmotivated to try any longer.

I decided to start seeing a counsellor because I knew that this was not good. I was feeling terrible and I started crying a lot. I knew I hit rock bottom when I left school early one day and on my way home I got off the bus infront of our apartment and I was thinking about walking out in front of traffic. I was about two seconds away from leaving the curb when I realized that this wasn't me. I was depressed and not myself. I realized that i needed to seek additional help. I didn't go to school the next day and i called my naturopath to see if there was anything he could do. Turns out there was. I was very wacked out with my hormones for one thing, years of birth control is not good for you if you have any slight predisposition to depression. When you stop taking it, it basically causes your estrogen level to sky rocket and your projestrone stays low. This huge difference in hormones can cause major mood swings, depression, painful periods, enlarged walls of uterus, and other problems. I had been taking a projestrone cream the naturopath has perscribed before but stopped taking it because it was expensive and I couldn't figure out how to justify spending the money when I have so little of it. We discussed a lot of my issues and we came up with some plans to work through them. I am back on the projestron cream and it seems to be helping, I also am taking a B-50 complex vitamin and working to have 1 or 2 servings of dark green veggies everyday. I also go for craniosacral therapy once a week right now to try and release the sadness that I feel.

Once I started feeling a bit better I noticed a difference in me. I didn't mind going to school, as much, and I actually feel like exercising again. It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since I first saw Dr. Ceasar and so far it has been helpful. I am trying to avoid anti-depressants because they have not been very successful for me in the past. I don't always want to go to school anymore and sometimes I really struggle to stay there for the whole day. I am not crying everyday anymore though, and I see that as a really big stride in the right direction. I also dropped biology and am going to take a distance course through u of m in the summer to make up the science credit. Dropping that class helped a lot to lighten my load and clear away some of the clouds that loomed over my head. I still have a ton of homework that I could always be doing, but I am trying to only look ahead to the week that is here and see what do I have to do now, what I can do daily to stay on top of things, and what sort of exercise can I do and healthy food can I eat so that I can feel my best. I confess, it's not always perfect, nor what is the best options but it's better than it was.

Part of me is still sad and also terrified of school. It's hard to explain because if I do then I think about school and think too far ahead and then that gets me very upset so I think I won't explain. Day by day I do my homework and organize myself for the coming week. So far, it's okay. My marks will be lower this term, but who needs a's anyways. I sure don't. I can live with c's if I have to. No one asks you what you got in your classes in nursing school anyways, they just want to know that you passed the RN exam.

Such is life I guess for me. I will probably always struggle with depression, it will just be a matter of being aware of it and trying to realize that in the moment it's not really me, it's just right at that moment and that moment will pass.

We've Moved

Oh dear, it's been too long again. Well, I decided and have followed through with that decision. We're now living in our new apartment on Portage ave in St. James, the rent isn't bad and I like the location. It's a small apartment, but great for the two of us.

Tomorrow I start my first day of nursing school. I admit I'm a little scared/nervous. I don't know what to expect when it comes to homework and how much is expected of me. It's a little daunting if I think of it too much. I will know soon enough and then I will be busy and have no time to think of things at all.

Life always goes on weather I'm ready, prepared or whatnot. I just do the best I can. And here we go to another section. A new time. I can do it.

I hope.

A rainy day.

My cousin is visiting from Calgary for a few days and the rain is here.


This was from something I wrote last summer. I thought I'd post it to be true to my blog

The thinking continues

I have spent the last 2 or so hours thinking more about moving and apartment finding and money and rent and all sorts of things. I finally decided to write out my budget now, and for the future with different rent situations and different situations with work and school and loans and savings. What did I find....well I can afford the apartment that I want that is in my favorite location but is $850 for a 1 bedroom apartment. The location however is so great, it would only be one bus for me to school of 20 mins and Tim's ride would be only 35 mins or he can then car pool with Jeff.

How did I figure this out? Well, it took figuring and guessing and calculating and really good budgeting. No home tv, internet, or phone- however we seem like we will have a monthly budget with a surplus, which I think I may be able to persuade Tim that this could be wisely saved and also spent- at least on internet! I am so extremly pleased with this discovery that I even was working on determining the situation for next year, summer and the start of the school year in 2010. I originally thought we would not be able to save any money for school but if we stick to our budget at least within $100 monthly we should be able to save enough money (including tax refunds) to pay for Tim's year of school. This is a huge relief to me. I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders. I was so nervous for looking for apartments that I was looking for the cheapest which often meant crapiest apartments and now that I've seen it all written down I know where we stand and where we will stand. All we have to do is find the place and get approved for the apartment. Hopefully we can get approved at this time as we're both currently working full time- they don't need to know we'll both be going to school do they??

How do so many students do it- loans, school, tuition payments, other bills, spring break party -oh and we could go on a vacation if we were to forgo having tim's 2010 tuition paid for- okay maybe we'll wait one more year. But seriously, how do all these 18 year olds handle all this stress I know a lot of them don't just run to daddy, I'm sure some do. But really- those that do it themselves, yes they come out of school with loads of debt, hopefully they have a good job, at least I will. Stress. No wonder they drink a lot!!!

Well it's 1:30am I am almost tired and I do need to go for a run tomorrow, call apartments-hopefully my top choice will have space still....it said it did before. If not, I have 8 other options, I'm sure one of them will have something, if not, I found another 4 that are sublets, which could also work. Okay- I'm excited about apartment hunting again- I can have a monthly rent of up to $850 yeah. I'll never sleep!!!

Decisions are difficult!

I've done a lot of thinking. In fact, I think I'm almost always thinking. This thinking however lately, has been keeping me up at night. Okay, working nights 7 shifts in two weeks does keep your body on a late night routine, but still keeping me up....those pesky thoughts.

These thoughts that I think- well on life and change and decisions of the future and the present. Right now Tim and I are trying to find a new place to live. Nothing wrong with where we are now, but we feel it is time to move on from my Mom's place, that she no longer needs us for the purpose that we had moved in to begin with. So, then the delima is where to live. Location is always key, and I sometimes can get a little nervous in certain areas. We've looked around, called around and it's a okay time to be looking escepially if we're not in a rush. But there isn't a ton out there, and you have to jump on something as soon as you see it.

So, I'm up all night thinking and thinking and wondering where we're going to live and when we'll move and all the logistics of it....how long the bus ride would be, for me, for tim, can he car pool with jeff to the u of m. All this stuff...runs all through my head.

And the decision- well, I've got none. All I know, I currently live with my husband at my mom's house. I am going to nursing school in the fall and I work nights and it's tiring. Oh, and I'm running a 10km race on the 25th. That's it.

Hopefully I don't stress myself out about this too much.

3 years.

Wednesday this past week was my three year anniversary with my husband. Three years, it's gone by quickly. I remember when I was younger, in junior high, or high school and I would think about my plan for life and how I thought stuff would play out. I would get married for maybe a year or two then start a family. Well, I'm past that part and no family for me currently and I'm enjoying just being married. Life is so busy and complicated sometimes with just the two of us. I can't imagine the difficulties that a child would add at this time of our life. Yet, at times I can't help but feel guilty for not, creating? not, doing as God designed me to do. I have goals you see. Life, career, and others that I wish to do. I am uncertain on my desire for a family. I used to but since some changes and turns I don't know if I can bare trying again.

My mom was talking to me the other day about how we in american and some european countries are having an average of around 1.3 or 1.7 children per couple. Which, well...that means we are making less and less people. Gradually the worlds white population is shrinking. She also mentioned how there are other cultures that are still having large families of 6-8 children. I don't know what it really means. The face of our world is definetly changing. I think about however the baby boomers. You hear a lot of talk in the news about them retiring and being what, 2 years, 3 years away from a huge increase of retirees. What does that do to the canadian pension fund? Are there enough younger working people to keep that pension fund going. One thought, is that those boomers...not so many of the women worked as we do now. So, perhaps that will help. Also my other thought, being a employee of a hospital, is how will all this aging generation affect my job and the jobs of others, we definetly won't loose our jobs, but we'll be over worked that is for sure. And the waites for doctors, tests, emergiencies etc are just going to get worse. So the question is, should I be having lots of babies to do my part, yes it's an odd question and I know that my 2 or 3 little children wouldn't change a worlds population but perhaps if we all thought this way. However it seems that in general we are too preoccupied with the need for money. For lavish expensive houses that are too big for us to clean ourselves because we work all day long so we hire a house keeper. then there is also the fact that to keep this lifestyle we have to continue to work when we have children and then we need to hire a babysitter or send our children to daycare. I personally think the idea of sending my child to a daycare full time is not an option. If I were to have children I want to be the one to raise them. But...this is another part of my conflict with my own goals. Hmm.... very selfish I know.

A new start.

The world of blogging is by no means new to me. Only in the sense of trying to do so regularly. I enjoy the concept of a blog. Somewhere to sit, think and write. It seems, relaxing and inspirational all at the same time. Why have I never done so before ? I don't know. Lazy. That's the only answer I can come to.

How does one start a blog. The question that keeps coming to my mind. Maybe it's like running, how you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but this is just by typing one key after another and hope that a good thought comes your way.

My thougths right now....well don't be fooled by the title of this blog, my thoughts aren't always very deep. They exsist by maybe not so deep.

I've been reading a lot lately. A series by Diana Gabaldon, the Outlander books. I like them. they are a romance/action sort of novel that takes place well, mostly in 18th century scotland. The thing I wonder is more so about our world now. We are very, well, we don't know how to do a lot of things that are basic to survival. I guess those types of things aren't needed anymore because we can just go to the store and buy what we need. Clothing, bread, water....wood. Anything. But years ago people had to do all this stuff themselves....even make their cloth build their houses with hand tools and now we have all the luxuries of the world and if I were to be stranded somewhere alone, I think I'd starve because I have no idea how to hunt or fish without a pole, or even make a fire without matches. Our life is pretty easy. I guess one would say we have different struggels I won't deny that. Physically though, life is easier.

It Begins

I don't really know where to begin, but I know I need to write, to get my thoughts out.